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Courtesy of iSTZ
So Z-Day happened and you managed to fight your way to safety. You survived the initial onslaught, congratulations are in order.
Before you pop open the bubbly and pat yourself on the back, you might want to think about locking down your home/shelter/bunker, wherever the hell you wound up.
There are several things you should consider:
- Early warning devices
- Perimeter defenses
- Home fortifications
- Escape routes
Chances are you won’t have time to run to the nearest Home Depot to pick up tools, cinder blocks, fencing, sheet metal etc, once those ZEDs start eating the shit out of everyone. But, if you CAN get to one, you’ll be getting better deals than a Jew on Black Friday. Might be worth the trip.
Here’s What We Recommend
——————————————————————————————————————————————Dig a Big Ass Ditch
This is probably the most important and easiest way to set up your first line of defense. Grab yourself an ice cold PBR & a shovel, and start digging your way to China. And just like in the bedroom… the deeper the better. Why this works so well? Zombies are stupid. They’ll fall right in, and in the process make themselves easier to exterminate. Save your ammunition though. Take this opportunity to have yourself a little Zombie BBQ. Nothing smells better than a gasoline roasted Zombie on a hot summer’s eve.
WARNING - Watch out for large hoards; after enough ZEDs fall into your pit, they WILL pile up and overflow (much like Billy Walsh’s toilet after a night full of drinking and burritos). *Burning only recommended for the occasional ZED.
Trip Wire Alarm
Get some strong rope, twine, steel cable, or even razor wire. Set it up 8-10 inches off the ground around your entire perimeter. Any noise maker, ie. holiday bells or empty beer cans, should be affixed to the wire as well. This will serve as an early warning system and ensure you’ll hear them coming. This is also only good for a few zombies at a time, and mainly just to slow them down, tangle them up, and alert you to their presence.
Normal fences don’t last. If you have one already up, consider it an added bonus. It will keep a few zombies out, but once they get wind of your stinky ass you can bet there will be plenty more. And once there’s plenty more, they’ll push that rickety thing right the fuck over. That’s how they get you… volume. Instead of relying on the pre-existing fence, build yourself a wall! There are many varieties so we are not going to get into all the different types and methods. When it comes down to it, you’re going to have to get a little MacGuyver on this one and utilize the resources you have at your disposal. Pick one that best suits your inventory and environment. Start stacking rocks if you have to. Remember, Zombies can’t climb, but they can push like hell without ever tiring out.
Windows and Doors
Board them up just like you would for a hurricane… Hurricane ZED. You only need to do the first floor, though. Leave the second story windows open for easier escape and to deal some tasty death from above.
If you have strategically selected your safe house on high ground, have some fun with it. Make use of the natural incline your front yard offers and lay down some lubricant (or water if it’s below 32 degrees Fahrenheit outside). You ever see a zombie on a slip and slide? Hysterical.
Prepare your staircase for demolition, Saving Private Ryan style. Many a zombie expert has already mentioned this line of defense, and for good reason. Once those pesky flesh hungry undead bust through your front door, if you destroy the stairs and stay on the upper level, there is no way for them to get you. After that you should be safe, but you might want to think about leaving. The moaning will eventually drive you nuts, and not in the boner-time way.
Hopefully after reading this you will have enough ideas flowing to make your own home more impenetrable than my ex girlfriend’s vagina (she was a born-again Christian, true story). You should always plan for the worst, though. In the event that you do get over run, you’re going to want an escape route.
Zombies are in your house and you are safely upstairs (busted staircase). What now?
You want to evac as fast and as far away as possible. Here at iSTZ, we recommend using a zip line. First of all, they’re awesome. Secondly, come on, they’re pretty fucking awesome. But as long as the outside is clear, any rope, or ladder will also do the trick.
Wait… Aren’t you forgetting something? That’s right, might as well light a few matches and burn that sumna’bitch to the ground before you leave.
——————————————————————————————————————————————Something NOT to do
Wall of Fire
Don’t think for a second that lighting a big fire in your front yard is going to stop a zombie. They will walk right through that noise and deliver a flaming hot piece of ZED shit to your front porch. What’s worse than a hungry zombie? A hungry zombie ON FIRE. I don’t know about you, but I hate getting 3rd degree burns while my intestines are getting ripped out from my stomach.
- Note to Self – It takes a while for a flaming zombie to die.
While there are plenty more ways to Zombie Proof Your Home, we feel these are the easiest to accomplish. Feel free to suggest any we may have left out.