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InOne of our favorite sayings at iSTZ is:
“What’s the point of surviving unless you have some hot babes with you?”
Billy Walsh is a crack shot and I wouldn’t want anyone else next to me if I was in a fire fight. But IF it was just the two of us left on planet earth, and I had to hear Billy scream “In YO face!” after every headshot he racked up… I might just have to kill myself.
The point is… Captain Ross needs his babes.
Here at iSTZ we write about survival tactics, how-to’s, weapons reviews, etc. But in doing so we are really only covering one half of the survival equation.
In order to survive any disaster you need two things:
2. A reason to live – AKA babes
Lucky for you, Captain Ross and Billy Walsh possess a unique set of skills. Not only can we slay zombies with style, but we also know a thing or two about a thing or two when it comes to courting the ladies. Depending on the length and severity of a zombie outbreak, you will eventually come to the realization that someone is going to have to re-populate the earth. Who better than you?
Surviving the zombie apocalypse was the easy part. Hitting on women in a zombie infested world? That’s a more daunting challenge than explaining the plot of Inception to Paris Hilton.
The problem with finding babes in a zombie torn world is that you no longer have Facebook, Match.com or even the local bar to go to. Long gone are the days of going to Bed Bath and Beyond and asking a young hottie to help you pick out bed sheets because you don’t understand what a threadcount is.
(FYI that one works like a charm)
So then, how the hell are you supposed to get your hands on some fresh babes in a zombie infested world? How To Get Babes in a Zombie Infested World
- First, clean yourself up and put on some deodorant. The only thing women hate more than stinky dudes is paying full retail. - Next, you’ll need to find a nice colony of survivors. No more lone wolf style, it’s time to rebuild society. Once you integrate yourself into the new community you are sure to meet a few women. - See which ones tickle your fancy and then start hunting. Look for broken women that have had their boyfriends or husbands eaten by zombies. They will be the most vulnerable. - Whatever their story is, you should make up a similar story in order to share a bond and comfort her. Before long you’ll be bonding your wiener in her tushie, and there is nothing comfortable about that. Some may call this lying – we call it creative adapting. Trouble-shooting (literally)
If you find yourself in a situation where the hot babe has a loser boyfriend (lets call him Chuck), you might want to think about killing him.
When taking this route, it is important to remember you will have to do it carefully. If you just murder the fool outright she will hate you, and the other survivors will most definitely lynch you. Instead, get to know him. Plan a scavenging mission with him. While the two of you are out gathering supplies, casually allow him to stroll ahead so you can take him out from behind with one clean shot to the noggin. Later, be sure to show back up at camp all beaten up. Tell her Chuck risked his life to save you, and in doing so got himself eaten by zombies. Also, be sure to mention that with his dying breath, Chuck said he wanted YOU to watch over his woman. Once the crying stops, the only thing you’ll be watching is her heaving melons as you bang her like a screen door in a hurricane. Thanks Chucky!
We’re not saying killing boyfriends is the answer, but we are not saying that you should rule it our either – sometimes you just got to get your Shane on (refer to our article “There’s No Shame, In Shane-ing).