Courtesy of iSTZ

You love your spouse. That goes without question.

The REAL question here is this:

What is love really worth when your significant other is trying to eat your tasty ass?

Take this scenario…

You just took out a hoard of undead with your AR-15 who were trying to make a meal out of you and wifey. They were dispatched with extreme prejudice, all head shots naturally. The only issue now? Some stupid “walker” just nibbled on your main squeeze.

Love is great, love is grand, but your instincts should immediately kick into survival mode in this kind of situation. And unfortunately, love MUST take a back seat.

This scenario has been done over and over in countless movies, but we are talking about real life here, people! You are going to have to make some tough decisions when sweetie comes home with a gaping wound in her forearm.

So… what do you do!?


Step 1.

Examine the wound. It may not be too late. If the wound is on an expendable appendage I’m afraid you are going to have to amputate… immediately.


Step 2.

Get yourself a hacksaw, some rubber tubing, and a bottle of scotch. Preferably Macallan 18, but considering the current predicament even a bottle of Clan MacGregor will do.


Step 3.

Take a big swig of scotch and slice her arm right off. No big deal, from now on she just has to give you hand jobs with her left hand. In the meantime tell her to quit complaining, she always wanted to lose weight anyway, right?

If you think you can get away with trying to disinfect the wound, then prepare to get your stomach ripped out within a few short hours, rookie.

If she doesn’t get a fever within an hour, you have saved her life, and she will owe you some sex. That’s called a WIN WIN.

If however, a fever does develop, you got yourself a problem only a hole in the back of the head can take care of.


Step 4.

Here is where everyone typically makes the wrong decision. They nurture and comfort their loved one, telling them “Everything is gonna be OK”. Well I got news for you, Dan Rather. THINGS ARE FAR FROM OK! There are fucking zombies running around for shits sake!

Before you know it, your recently deceased girlfriend’s corpse suddenly jolts to life and she tears into you like a fat kid through a happy meal.

A word of friendly advice? If Steps 1-3 fail to solve the problem, don’t hesitate to kill that bitch, or asshole, before they reanimate.


So, what have we learned here? Take a guess…

No really… take a guess. Give up?

That’s right, LOVE KILLS!

In the world of the undead, love no one — or love someone, but be prepared to end their life at a moment’s notice — either one will suffice.

As soon as your loved one gets bit, the only surefire reaction to ensure your own safety is to put a .45 slug in their brain. Don’t be so cold about it, say goodbye first. But then be done with it.

Sure you might feel some slight pangs of guilty, but deep down you know she was probably cheating on you anyway, so that helps.

Plus you’re still alive, which is the name of the game.

Captain Ross

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